Meet the Founder of Ancestral Tears
Desnee Trevena
Desnee graduated with a diploma in Gender based trauma and violence, as well as violence from childhood and the counselling and advocacy surrounding such trauma - she has been working in the field of social work now for nearly two decades.
Not only does Desnee have an academic background, she also has personal lived experience. As an afro-indigenous woman, she was born into intergenerational trauma and addiction. Having lost her own Mother who was murdered, Desnee spent 25 years of her own life surrounded by active addiction.
Today, Desnee has 17+ years of sobriety and recovery, not only from drugs but also of her own trauma healing. She has used her time in recovery to educate herself professionally, but also ancestry wise. Learning the gifts of her indigenous roots has been a gift to not just herself and her own children, but to her whole community. Through her life Desnee has applied herself to be part of the healing for other women and men alike, who seek empowerment through recovery
Desnee has shown her strength and wisdom in the grace she gives others, and in how she handles the hardships of life - At 15 years of her own recovery Desnee lost her eldest son to addiction, she was driven to use her Ancestral Tears non-for profit agency, to expand beyond women and children, and to also include men suffering through mental health, trauma, and addictions. In honor of her son, she has created a yearly bursary "Cameron-k9 Trevena ACOAA+ re-entry bursary" which is provided for people who are in need of a helping hand to better their life.
Desnee is published Author, a group facilitator, a social worker and a healer. She believes that there is no healing to be done for people, if we are to keep them confined within the environment of their abuse and disempowerment. That is why she has brought her programs into agencies that empower people, such as Native Child & Family Services, 2-spirited peoples of the first nations, Native Womens resource center, and Sherbourne health center, as well as carrying the message of healing into prisons and working with men who are incarcerated and healing from their own addictions or trauma.
Desnee believes that recovery and wellness should be accessible to all people, and it shows, by the tremendous levels of work she does in community.
Get Familiar with these terms
Finally, words that describe what we've been through in life.....
Narcissist
A form of emotional or psychological abuse where an abuser misleads and manipulates his partner, creating a false narrative and making her question her judgments and reality.
Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings. They also do not understand the effect that their behavior has on other people.
Because the level of abuse that Narcissist can place on a person, is all emotional, mental forms of abuse, it can often be the hardest to overcome and identify. However the healing involved after leaving a relationship with a Narcissist can take years to recover from.
Gaslighting
gaslighting is the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.
This tactic is very common amongst Narcissist but not exclusively used by them. An example of this is being raised in a family where there is violence of hostility directed to the child, the child will try and validate how upset this makes them - the parent will ask the child if they are 'crazy' for feeling that way. Telling the child that the household is normal and they have so much to be grateful for - all while making the child question if they are wrong and making the child feel 'bad' for saying such things, when all the child is doing, is attempting to talk about what their true reality is, in that household.
Inner Child Work
Inner child work teaches you to parent and nurture your wounded inner child.
Painful early experiences often stick with us into adulthood — from being yelled at and witnessing or experiencing violence in your household, or sexual abuse from an adult person. What happens when your childhood is tainted with adults who do not parent and nurture or make you feel safe - is that often you can feel stuck in the age of that trauma. An example is even the slightest feeling that a partner doesn't make time for you (maybe they are busy with work, or appointments) and instead your inner child age takes over and immediately responds from the age of abandonment. Instead, your response may be immediately going into anger or tears and feeling abandoned which is really an emotional response from the wounded child in you. Inner child work therefore is about acknowledging your valid feelings, connecting to those memories in order to connect and self sooth in a loving healthy way, with your inner child - and build a better response and love for yourself.
Patterns of behaviors
Patterns of behaviors stemming from trauma can include: avoidance of reminders of the traumatic event, social withdrawal, increased substance use, difficulty trusting others, impulsive behaviors, angry outbursts, self-harming behaviors, hypervigilance, difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite, and reliving the trauma through flashbacks or nightmares, often driven by a desire to manage intense emotions and regain a sense of control over the experience.
Some patterns of behavior may be, being too dependent and needy in romantic relationships, being possessive or controlling with fear to lose the person. Being extremely independent and unable to ask for help or share your true needs, having grown up in a household where your needs were not met. It can also relate to you being violent every time you feel anger - perhaps creating arguments as a pattern of behavior you grew up in, incapable of being in a peaceful relationship for long. When we address and uncover how patterns of behaviors relay to our own history, generationally and intergenerational within our ancestors, we can then do deeper healing work.
Love Bombing
Signs include excessive or unwanted gift giving, pressure to take relationship steps too quickly and negative reactions to the perpetrator’s advances being rejected by his partner. The goal is to create a sense of indebtedness or dependence, which can later evolve into more manipulative forms of control.
Love bombing can be a tactic to make the other person feel so immensely loved that they grow to depend on that person, for their over excessive affection, gifts, and feeds their self-esteem.
However, when the recipient of this excessive attention begins to feel emotionally entangled and unable to detach, the instigator of the love bombing behavior starts exerting control over their lover's life, molding it according to their desires, which leads to the recipient feeling disoriented, uncomfortable, and losing a sense of self within the relationship.
Negging
Stands for negative-feedback. It is a deliberate ploy where the perpetrator purposefully undermines his partner’s confidence by insulting her, while disguising it as a compliment.
Its a form of quiet emotional abuse, examples of this can be:
They often compare you to other people, like their ex.
They often insult you but disguise it as if it's constructive criticism.
They always feel the need to 'one up you.'
They might blame you for being too sensitive or say you can't take a joke.
They re-direct your own concerns instead to make them the victim.
Over time repetitive acts of this in the relationship will impact your feelings of self-worth.